“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂