Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m putting together a team
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.