Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
This could be us… but you playing
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.