When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it