I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..