How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Don’t tell me what to do
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m crying im so happy for them
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.