Zack Greinke stories are the best
You Might Also Like
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries