1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
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Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.