Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.