All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?