When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The devil.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.