I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I am all good here, 😂😉
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.