The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
you’re so productive for your wage
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie