I’m going to need a moment here.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit