[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.