I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!