ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
what the hell pray for carter everyone
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.