[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Siri: Retweet me.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.