Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep