Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Can Happiness buy money?