My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.