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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no