all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Don’t snitch tag.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol