When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long