My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi