Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.