Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
secret recipe
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.