I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Home #decor warning.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”