[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.