Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
That’s classic.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*