If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
no one likes gloating
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
What if all the cashiers are married?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
my fav colour is also hitler
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.