Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Buck naked
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*