[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.