“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.