#Caturday
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Oh my god
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.