Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
don’t be scared
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.