[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.