her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Just had my nails done!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling