According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please