It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver