i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]