detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane