HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Note to self: always read the final line
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.