Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
crying
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*