When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
You Might Also Like
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Flock of bats
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower