*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
How to draw a duck
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron