Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It’s the weekend y’all
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.