When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions