The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
this FaceApp is creepy af
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: