I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!